Ooooohhh... aaaaaahhh! It's moving! I know you are all captivated! And I know you will keep reading to see what else I have to say... Well, you will have to wait a moment! *does the Spatula Dance for the scrollingness of the text* Yes, yes! Otay, that is all I have to say... no, wait... I thought of something else! Hold on! I'm thinking! And I'm thinking! Almost there! No... I was wrong! I have nothing more to say! You can stop reading now! Hey... I said stop reading! What is wrong with you? There is nothing left to read! This is all boring! Have you not figured out that I am done talking? Did you not get the memo? STOP READING ME! Blah to you! Otay... *does the Spatula Dance* And just think... if you had stopped reading, you would have missed it! Good for you farfalarfer! Ooooohhh... i just thought of one more thing....



Welcome to our Wonderful World of Nonsense, also known as Spatula Land, where the official dance is the Spatula Dance! *Does the Spatula Dance* This blog is for our own enjoyment, not for the hordes of people who will be coming to see it everyday! Infact it is pretty much a huge inside joke between the Captain and I! So, for most of you, this blog will not make much sense! My apologies friend, you have no manner of luck at all!

For those of you to whom it does make sense… welcome to our FLOW! *waves arms up and down frantically in a wave like motion* You must be somewhat used to the CMF ... no, not a Chocolate Malt Frappuccino, my drink of choice from Starbucks... you know, the Clarissa-Megan Flow (not to be confused with the EAC... East Australian Curent). Either that, or you understand Clarissa-Meganese (remember... it's one word, hyphenated), the language of... um, it's not the language of love, nor the language of making sense... so what is it the language of? Oh! I know! Pick me! Pick me! It's the language of floopy-ness and *squishy*-ness! It is the official language of Spatula Land! Need I say more?

Right... Bucklebury Ferry... follow me! Fasten your seat belt, and for your own safety, please remain seated through the course of your stay here, keeping your hands and arms inside the train at all times! Thank you, and enjoy the ride! :o)


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By the way, my farfalarfers... feel free to leave the Captain and me a message to show us how much you love our farfalarferness!


   

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Welcome all you blog people, you! This is how many people have looked at our blog since October 21st, 2003! Wow... lot's of people! I'm impressed! They like me, they really like me! What was that Captain? You say they like you, not me? It's only cuz you are obsessed with Kilts and Spatulas! Hey... I don't care why people visit, I am just excited that they do! *Does the Spatula Dance* As long as people keep coming to hear about Kilts and Spatulas, thet are hearing all of my nonsense too! WhoooHoooo to all you people who enjoy nonsense (and the Spatula Dance)! :o)

Counter
Pharmacy Drug

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Now... it is finally time to introduce you all the the Spatula Dance! *does the Spatula Dance* Though the Captain and I have many claims to fame, our first and most wide spread is the Spatula Dance! It is also the dearest one to my heart! So here are some *squishy boy heads* who want to demonstrate it for you! Give them a round of applause! WhoooHoooo for the Spatula Dance and the Spatula Dancers!







Okay... so these picture might look as though "Monkey Boy" and "The Funny" were doing the Microphone Dance... but don't be deceived... with a lack of spatulas at Comic-Con 2003, they were forced to deal with the only thing they could get their hands on, which ended up being microphones! On with the Spatula Dance, boys!

*does the Spatula Dance*

Oh look, even the text above is doing the Spatula Dance! WhoooHoooo! The Spatula Dance is a free form dance style where you just go crazy and act like a Farfalarfer... you know, a unique and off-centered person! It doesn't matter what you look like as long as you are having fun... that is the key to the Spatula Dance... just be yourself! It is a dance full of joy and excitment... after all, it is a dance for Farfalarfers and Spatula-loving people everywhere! Still a little confused about the infamous Saptula Dance which has been sweeping the nation? Check out my Ode to the Spatula Dance, written on Oct. 25, or my entry about it on Oct. 22 (which includes more pictures)! *does the Spatula Dance*

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Dear Adoring Fans,

I know that many of you out there love the nonsense found on our blog and have placed a link to our to it on your own blog! If you wish to leave it a simple text link, that is fine (though I would ask that it be entitled either "Need I Say More", "Spatula Land", "Savvy Land", "The Savvy Gang", "Los Savvy-Twins", or "CaptainSavvy and Savvy1stMate" so that neither the Captain nor I am left out)... thanks! But, if you wish to use a pretty picture to link to our blog, I have given you three to choose from! Please use responsibly! Enjoy the farfalarferness!

~ Savvy1stMate ~






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I would quickly like to give a big "Thanks!" to the wonderful people at BagEndInn, from whom I get most of the pictures of "The Funny", "Monkey Boy", and "The Glasgow-Residenatator" found on this blog!


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Monday, February 14, 2005
60 Random Things I Love and Hate about LOST to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day rolls around once a year… and here it is again… the day that you are supposed to spread love all around.  *thinks about singing the song from the horrible Love movie because “all around” reminded me of it, but resists, I am sure to the Captain’s dismay*   Well, the newest love in my life is the TV show LOST (though not that new, new enough that I haven’t written that many blog entries about it so… anyBEAN)… but just because I love it does not mean that I can’t also hate it, which I do, and I am sure the Captain would be happy to vouch for this fact.  And so, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I would like to present to you:

 

60 Random Things I Love and Hate about LOST

 

1.  I love the theme song.  (*begins to sing, in the least masculine voice ever, and therefore mocking Dom* “lost on an island, far from home”)

2.  I hate the fact that they don’t play the theme song at the beginning of each episode… stupid people.  (*continues singing* “lost on an island, but we’re not alone”)

3.  I love Sawyer’s bad-boy-ness.  (it is a trait that I don’t think Dom could pull off… though I have heard of the tae-kwon-do phase thing… whatever… hehehehehehehe *dies laughing*)

4.  I hate that Sawyer killed a poor innocent polar bear.  (or was it a polar bear?  There have been some doubts about it’s true identity, formed mostly by the Captain, but the movement is spreading)

5.  I love the screensaver on my cellular which reads “Mmmmm… Peanut Butter”.  (gotta love the peanut, peanut butter and jelly)

6.  I hate the people who replied, “You see that puddle over there?  That is all that is left of me”.  (ack… they make me sick)

7.  I love the twirling-ness of the hair.  (total squish factor portrayed… strike that… I sounded too fan girlish, therefore making myself sick)

8.  I hate the greasy-ness of the hair.  (Dom, did you learn nothing from my Valentine’s Day post last year?)

9.  I love seeing people gored by boars.  (I mean, if people are going to get hurt in the show, it might as well be worth while)

10.  I hate the lack of blood in the boar gore injuries.  (apparently they were magical-non-drawing-blood-boars or something)

11.  I love S-K-A-T-E.  (*crosses fingers*)

12.  I hate E-Q-A-T-E.  (*waits for the Captain to cross her fingers*)

13.  I love kool Matrix/Ninja guy.   (too bad he wasn’t a wizard … or was he???  Dun, dun, dun…)

14.  I hate that he wasn’t a bear that shot laser beams out of his eyes.  (or was he???  Dun, dun, dun…)

15.  I love Locke’s scare.  (though it would have been better if it was the result of being gored by a board in the face)

16.  I hate that it is fading away.  (apparently whatever caused the scare was a magical-non-lasting-scare-forming thing or something)

17.  I love the buffalo shirt.  (hehehe… tightness…)

18.  I hate that the buffalo shirt has never been in the show.  (it’s only in pictures… stupid lying pictures got me all excited for a buffalo shirt… maybe they are magical pictures… or maybe it is magical shirt… hmmmm…)

19.  I love the fact that when I took the quiz they said I was perfect.  (I know I am… I didn’t have to take a quiz to find this out)

20.  I hate the fact that being perfect makes me be like Jack.  (who said he was perfect anyway?  I don’t think he is… too… uh… perfect… yes… he is too perfect to be perfect)

21.  I love “Uh, dude… your kid’s missing…”.  (uh, dude… it’s like, uh… kool)

22.  I hate “Hey ladies… it’s Hurley time!”.  (too much lack of the word “dude”, duh)

23.  I love the fact that Kate has gone by so many names.  (Kate, Annie, and Maggie)

24.  I hate that she will never go by the name Burundi BEAN.  (what is wrong with her?)

25.  I love the fact that J.J. Abrams promises, “Someone will definitely die by the end of this season”.  (tell me who it is… please… pretty, pretty please!)

26.  I hate that he doesn’t realize I am the most impatient person in the world.  (just tell me who it is… please… pretty, pretty please!)

27.  I love the first, high pitched, gotta love it, “You all, everybody!”.  (*does the Spatula Dance and sings* “You all, everybody!”)

28.  I hate the way they have messed up the glory every time since then.  (*stops dancing* bloody basta-ness… couldn’t they just leave well enough alone?)

29.  I love when lions are scared of cooked meat.  (*laughs uncontrollably*)

30.  I hate that that has nothing to do with LOST.  (*pauses for J.J. to make a note*)

31.  I love the annoying fact that you can bet-your-bottom-dollar on the fact that in the next episode there will be a whiplash-inducing plot twist.  (brilliant!)

32.  I hate the annoying fact that you can bet-your-bottom-dollar on the fact that in the next episode there will be a whiplash-inducing plot twist.  (bloody!)

33.  I love how H that piece of A… HA is definitely S-ing.  (and of course I don’t mean sitting in the way that Billy Boyd says it)

34.  I hate that flammable and inflammable mean exactly the same thing.  (need I say more?)

35.  I love that Michael finally has the chance to be a father to Walt.  (and that he stole the dog… hehehe)

36.  I hate Brain.  (probably more than pen-smelling girl and stupid flick-worthy kids at the Inverness youth hostel, which is pretty impressive)

37.  I love the fact that the show proves, once and for all, that Dom’s eyes are beyond grey.  (DUH!!!!  UH, IDIOT!)

38.  I hate people that think… (never mind… don’t get me started on the madness… the insanity… the horror… the rip-your-hair-out-until-you-are-balder-than-Locke-anger…)

39.  I love that more people are learning that Sun speaks English.  (hey… I speak English too… what do you know?)

30.  I hate that she is not married to 3rd Brother.  (It’s cuz he’s blind, isn’t it?)

41.  I love that everyone dislikes Jin.  (he deserves it, the meany-boy-head!)

42.  I hate that everyone dislikes Boone… I mean, have you seen how squish he is?  (I know… not as squish as Monsieur Monaghan, but at least his hair is not greasy)

43.  I love Sayid.  (though… for some strange reason he likes Shannon, which dampens my like of him)

44.  I hate Shannon.  (though… for some strange reason she likes Sayid, which brightens my like of her)

45.  I love penguins.  (especially sunburned ones)

46.  I hate the lack of penguins.  (I’m so disappointed… clearly not as powerful as I thought he was… *sniffle*)

47.  I love “READ IT”.  (It reminds me of “CRUSH IT”, “DROP IT”, “CURSE IT” and “RAGE IT”… and the original “SIGN IT”)

48.  I hate ummm… I dunno… (hehehe… “SHOOT IT”, “TRUST IT”, “SQUISH IT”)

49.  I love the Captain’s fancy for Locke.  (if you have ever heard her describe the perfect man, this would not be such a shock to you)

50.  I hate the fact that there is such a huge age difference.  (after all Locke is probably in his 40s or 50s and the Captain in 89)

51.  I love polar bears.  (No, no… not panda bears… polar bears… the all white ones)

52.  I hate polar bears.  (Yes, yes… polar bears… not panda bears… the all white ones)

53.  No… I take that back… I love polar bears.

54.  No… I take that back… I hate polar bears!

55.  Did I mention that I love polar bears?

56.  Did I mention that I hate polar bears?

57.  I love the continued debate over whether I love or hate polar bears.  (mmmmm… polar bears!)

58.  I hate the fact that the polar bears are unexplained.  (ack… polar bears!)

59.  I love to hate the show.  (STUPID SHOW!)

60.  I hate to love the show.  (GREAT SHOW!)


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 08:07 pm by Savvy1stMate!
Comments (1)

Saturday, January 01, 2005
Hummina... Hummina... Mannina... 3

Merry Christmas Captain, Happy Belated Birthday Dom, and Happy New Year to everyone else!  Sorry it is late, but I hope it makes all your wildest and freaking-tastic fantasies come true!  Yes, yes… I am starting 2005 off with a bang… and with manliness!  Oh the manliness… (by the way… if a picture doesn’t load, just right click on where the picture should be, scroll down the list, and left click on “Show Picture”… the picture should start to load after that… but you might have to do it for most of the pictures… sorry…)

Sean:  [thinking] Hummina… hummina… mannina!

Dom:  [thinking] Hummina… hummina… hummina… hummina… hummina… maybe… maybe… mannina…

Billy:  [thinking] Hummina… hummina… manly mannina!

Orlando:  [thinking] Hummina… hummina… I am a mannina!

Elijah:  [thinking] Hummina… hummina… manni manni manni manni mannina… mannina! 



Savvy1stMate:  Just incase you can’t read the caption, it says, “ ‘I take her into the garage with me when I paint,’ Dominic says of his fascinating pet insect Gizmo, who’s a leaf mantis.  ‘I’ve done a couple of paintings of Gizmo.’ “  Need I say more? 

Dom:  Yes… I do paint!  It is quite a manly hobby if you ask me!  [strokes Gizmo]  And how dare you make fun of Gizmo!  She’s so cute and loving!  The best friend I’ve ever had!  She never talks back… which might be a bad thing, cuz I want her opinion on my new hair style!  [tries to give Gizmo a kiss]  Oh… I forgot!  My big manly lips would crush poor Gizmo!  I guess I will have to kiss my thumb instead and through my big manly hand my big manly kiss will be sent to my manly pet! 



Billy:  [to the looker]  Ooooh… you didn’t know that I could play the drums, did you?  I can also play the bass, and I am pretty gosh dang good if I do say so myself!  Far more manly than Dom and Elijah singing baby talk mumbo jumbo!  And it’s not like I can’t sing, cuz I can… I just choose to be more manly right now and play the drums! 

Elijah:  [wearing a curly haired wig grabs a microphone and acts like a stand up comic]  What was that Billy?  You say I am untalented at singing?  Well… I can do more than sing!  I got my start as a stand up comic on prom night when I dropped my pants and my girlfriend laughed for four hours!  Yeah… but my mom took off when I was 16 saying she had to find a man that would love her forever… if only she knew that man was me! 

Billy:  [does a rim shot]  That was great… who knew that there was something you were worse at than singing…





Elijah:  HEY!  HI!!!  [thinking] They love me… they really love me!  I should show my appreciation of their love for me with my kool hand gesture…

Dom:  [thinking]  I think someone just made a touchdown or a three-pointer or a hole in par or something!  [mimics Elijah’s hand gesture, out loud]  Way to go dude! 

Elijah:  [to Dom] What are you doing? 

Dom:  Congratulating that person on their terrific sports play!

Elijah:  What person?

Dom:  Oh… uh… what were you doing?

Elijah:  Showing my love and appreciation back to this huge crowd of people!

Dom:  Uh… dude… where I came from, we do that by doing this: [makes an obscene tongue gesture]

Elijah:  [thinking]  Is it bad that I totally want a piece of that action? 



Dom:  [to the looker]  I know, I know!  I am so ashamed!  People are not supposed to see me like this!  [sniffles]  You see… I have my own set of people (who by the way I call my posse around Billy and Elijah so they don’t know the truth) who go with me everywhere to fix my eyes when they are on screen!  It’s, it’s hard being an actor, you know?  You have to look straight! 



Elijah:  [to the box]  I shall call you boxy and you shall be mine, and you shall be my boxy!  Come here boxy!  Come here boxy!  [to the looker] Isn’t this the cutest little box that you have ever laid eyes on?  Well you can’t have it!  It’s mine… my own… my precious!  That’s right!  The box is mine!  You have no idea what it did to me… what it’s still doing to me!  [lays down on the box]  I already told you, you can’t have it!  Leave me and my manly box in peace! 





Brad:  [thinking] Yes, yes… I am the manliest man you ever laid eyes on!  Forget about these young-ins!  I’m Brad Dourif!  Aliens built me!  No human hands could have built me!  How’s that for manliness? 

Billy:  [thinking] Dom really isn’t manly enough to pull off this shirt where his stomach is hanging out!  Perhaps I will help him out by pulling his shirt down!  [places his hand on Dom’s stomach]

Dom:  [thinking] Billy wants some of my manliness… as usual!  He is probably cold… you know… from wearing that skimpy old kilt of his!  I think that he has over worked that Scottish part of his manliness and it is now beginning to fade!  Time for a new king of manliness to be raised up in his stead… [to the looker]  Just in case you were wondering… that should be me!



Dom:  [thinking] Oh, look at me!  I’m a flippin’ little sword licker!  Let me lick my sword for you!  [tounge gets stuck to the frozen sword] Ow… pain… little help here… someone… anyone… tongue stuck… manly tongue stuck… ow… ow… clearly no one cares about Dom’s family jewel… ow… ow… please someone help me… if you help me, I promise I will give you my sword so that you can have something that will forever smell like me mouth… ow… please… I’m dying here… near death experience… I’m not crying wolf… ow… this is really painful… ow… ow…



Elijah:  [to the girl standing next to him] Excuse me Miss I-fancy-myself-to-have-a-cool-blue-bag-and-you-don’t, can you pick that up for me?  Yes, yes… I know that I am the biggest and manliest man the world has ever seen and that I should be able to get my own luggage!  But… you see… there’s this certain group of people out there that are really, really obsessed with my arms, so I don’t want to hurt them!  I want my arms to stay all big and manly so as not to disappoint anyone!  So… if you could just pick up my bag and carry it on your back to the limo for me, I would be much obliged! 



Elijah:  Hey Dom… look what I can do!  I can take a picture of my foot!

Dom:  Wow… that’s just about the coolest picture I have ever seen.  Take a picture of my foot, too!

Man:  Billy… I hope you don’t mind that I am sitting on top of you… the seats are kinda squished together… [to the looker] Alright… I will let you in on a little secret… all the grease from Dom’s hair makes my butt a little slippery, and I need Billy to stabilize my position on the seat so as not to go flying into the middle of the court which would result in my being trampled! 

Billy:  Nah… it’s fine… [thinking]  I’ve got enough manliness to go around… but why does he keep grabbing my thigh?  Perhaps too much manliness is not a good thing…

Elijah:  [takes a picture of Dom’s foot]  Wow… who would have thought feet picture would be so fun? 

Man:  [to Dom and Billy]  Whoa… did you guys see that play?

Dom:  Oh… so your watching the slide show of our feet pictures too…



Billy:  Some people (and when I say some people I mean Dom and Elijah) say that I wouldn’t be able to pull off being the Phantom of the Opera!  The only reason they say this is because they can’t pull off being the Phantom of the Opera, and while on their part it is true, on my part they are completely wrong and I just thought I would go ahead and prove this to them.  Only a truly manly man can get away with this look!  [begins to sing] Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, in this darkness which you know you cannot fight – the darkness of the music of the night.

Girl:  Now if I was Christine, I would not be able to resist the Phantom if it was Billy.

Billy:  It’s true… I am jump-worthy! 



Elijah:  [to the looker in a sing-song voice]  I’ve got a baby-poo jacket and you don’t!  Neener neener neener!  I know you wish you looked as manly as I do in front of these lovely purple flowers… but you don’t!  Neener neener neener! 

Sean:  [thinking]  One of these flowers does not compare to the beauty of my wife!  If only Elijah were more manly, then he too could find himself a beautiful wife to give those flowers he’s got hiding in his jeans pocket to!  I’m guessing he’s gonna take them home and have them float on the top of his bubble bath later!  He’s really got issues! 



Host:  So, I heard you guys wrote a song!  Do you mind… sharing it with us? 

Elijah:  Not at all!  [begins to sing]  Shadadadoo!

Dom:  [begins to dance]  Dadadoo!

Elijah:  Bdabadoo… ooh doo doop… bap… bap…

Dom:  [still to dancing]  Dadabadadabadadap… dab!  Badabadadabadadap… dab!  Badabadabadaadaadaa… aah!  Dah!  Aah!  Badabadabadaadaadaa!  Ah!  Dah!  Aah! 

Host:  [cutting Dom and Elijah off] This is the song you wrote? 

Elijah:  Yeah… why?  What do you think?  It’s magnificent, isn’t it? 

Host:  [somewhat speechless] Uh… ere… umm…  well that dance of Dom’s is definitely worthy of such a song! 

Elijah:  What does that mean? 

Dom:  [whispering to Elijah]  It’s a compliment!  He said that that the song was very manly! 

Elijah:  [to the host]  Is that really what you meant?

Host:  [turns to Billy]  So… Billy!  What have you been up to lately?  Staying out of the song writing business I see…  

Billy:  [laughs to himself… thinking]  I know exactly what he means! 



Elijah:  [thinking] Yeah, that’s right!  Rub my head for good luck!  Let some of my manliness seep through my hair follicles onto your hand!  I’m guessing you got the memo that my manliness is the hottest trend and best accessory this season!  Hey hey… don’t rub too hard, I don’t want to go bald before my time… plus… I need to save enough of my manliness to go around! 



Orlando:  [thinking]  3M rocks!  Only they could make a hat manly enough for my head!  Yeah… that’s what I’m talking about!  My manly hat!  If I paired this bright yellow hat with my red and yellow stripped puffy shirt, I would be styling!  Yay for me and my manliness! 

Dom:  [to the looker]  I know what you’re thinking!  Topo Gigio!  Nope… you’re wrong!  It’s me!  You know… Dom… the manliest of the Hobbits!  You know… “Monkey Boy”, not to be confused with “The Funny”!  Also known as “Neanderthal Boy”!  [voice cracks]  Why wouldn’t you believe me?  [angrily]  Fine… call me Topo Gigio!  See if I care!  [mumbles to himself]  That doesn’t make me any less manly!  They are the unmanly ones not recognizing my manliness!  Basta!

Billy:  [thinking] Poor Dom!  Maybe I shouldn’t have started those rumors going around the club of Topo Gigio being here!  No one recognizes him and they keep getting mad cuz he signed his name “Dom Monaghan”!  But it’s his fault!  Look at his jacket… far more Topo Gigio than any other jacket I’ve ever seen!  I’m not gonna tell anyone it was a lie!  I‘ll just sit here giggling to myself being all manly in my manly jacket!  No… perhaps I should offer my jacket to Dom… as a sort of peace offering, you know?  Yes, yes… I am a good friend!  Plus he could use all the help he can get in the manliness department!



 

Dom:  What do you mean I don’t live in Africa?  I know that… everyone knows that!  I live in… uh… that place… [points to Africa, in which is written he word “home”]

Savvy1stMate:  [pointing out his mistake] Dom… dear… that place you are pointing to, is Africa

Dom:  Yeah… well… I betchya that you can’t stay in the lines like me… [smiles widely]



Dom:  [to Billy] You have beautiful eyes! 

Billy:  Why thank you!  And you have lovely nose hairs! 

Dom:  I thought we made a deal and you weren’t going to mention them anymore! 

Billy:  I’m sorry, alright!  I won’t do it again! 

Dom:  Why do you always have to look? 

Billy:  I can’t help it!  They’re just so… just so…

Dom:  Just so… what? 

Billy:  Nose-hair like, you know? 

Dom:  Alright, that’s it!  I’m leaving!  [stands up to storm out]

Billy:  No… wait… come back!  I’m… I’m so sorry!  No more… I promise!  [thinking to himself] Ha!  What am I saying?  How can I not think about his wonderfully long nose hairs?  I… I just can’t believe that they are already that long again in light of the fact that he plucked them out not too long ago and donated them to the costume department which used them for the Syphilitic Orc’s costume!  Right… no, no… I promised… and I am gonna try as hard as I can to not mention the… [out loud]  NOSE HAIRS!



Billy:  Take that you filthy slimy mangy cat!  Don’t mess with me!  I can take you down using just my little finger I am so manly compared to you! 

Dom:  This is pointless!  I am so big and manly that I could squash each of my opponents like a little bug!  Let me just smack them upside the head with my manliness!  You come at me and I will hit you with my manliness!  And then you come and I’ll hit you and then you come… and I will just take these guys out!  Who needs a sword when you’ve got manliness?

Elijah:  Excuse me Mr. instructor of the sword fighting person, sir!  My sword is too heavy!  I am going to hurt my manly arms, which would horribly disappoint so many of my adoring fans, so much so that some might commit suicide!  So… can I bring in a doctor’s note to get me out of this? 

Sean:  1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6... This is easy!  Time to mix it up a little!  5… 1… 5… 3… 6… 2… 5… 1… 1… 4… 5… 6…  And there you go!  Accomplishment and scene!



Elijah:  [to the looker]  Alright, so I am no BEAN, and I am willing to admit that my manliness is a tad inferior to his… but I am happy to announce that fact that I am also no Dom, as my manliness is much superior to his!  I guess what I am trying to say is that on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most manly you can be, BEAN would be a 10.0, I would be a 9.8, and poor Dom would be a 0.7.  Spread the word!

Dom:  [to the looker]  Hey now… it’s not my fault that all the manly grease form my manly hair seeped onto my manly jacket making it shinny, which does not in anyway take away from its manliness factor!  I have come up with a new slogan, by the way… shininess is manliness… manliness is shininess!  Spread the word!

BEAN:  [to the looker]  Poor saps… who do these boys think they are dealing with?  I’m Bean… I’m manly… I don’t need to prove myself, my BEANness, or my manliness to anyone!  If anyone tries to mess with me, they better stand down immediately!  BEAN has spoken!  Spread the word!



Elijah:  Whoa-ho-ho… look at all these people!  This whole place is fair-teeming with people seeking manliness!

Dom:  Seeking manliness, eh?  [points to someone] You’re looking for manliness aren’t you?  [points to someone else]  Your looking for manliness, too?  [points to yet another person]  How about you?

Billy:  Hey Dom… I think that person is looking for manliness! 

Dom:  Which person?

Billy:  [points to person]  That girl… right there!

Dom:  [to the girl Billy was pointing at]  Hey you… are you looking at me?  Are you looking at me?

Girl:  [to Dom]  No… I’m looking for manliness!

Elijah:  Oh… crash and burn…

Billy:  She was looking at me…

Girl:  [winks at Billy]



Elijah:  [into the microphone to the crowd] Please… please… settle down… allow me to explain the somewhat questionable attire of Sean and I.

Sean:  Yes, why don’t you do that, Elijah… because even I am starting to wonder…

Elijah:  Well, you see… Savvy1stMate has two favorite pictures of herself and CaptainSavvy… the first is in a pizzeria in Venice with half a dozen empty water bottles that look like wine bottles on the table in front of them…

Sean:  Okay… that explains the water bottles, which is good because I was starting to wonder why you needed so much… but what about our getups?

Elijah:  I wasn’t finished!  The second picture is of them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland Paris in which they are both wearing Pirate hats and doing the Spatula Dance…

Sean:  Just in case you were wondering, I’ve got a cowboy hat on my head…

Elijah:  It’s the best I could do… but at least I gave it a valiant effort… I am just hoping that Savvy1stMate will see it that way and name me manliest moo moo featured on the blog…

Sean:  Based on this photo?  You’ve gotta be kidding me…



Billy:  I’m so tired!  Carrying all this manliness around everyday everywhere I go… it’s exhausting!  I only wish that I could leave it at home sometimes… but who am I kidding?  It is impossible to separate me from my Scottishness and me from my manliness… it would be like trying to separate… ah, forget it!  I am too tried to come up with a witty little metaphor for my manliness… it is too manly to be associated with anything else!  Now, if you wouldn’t mind… please go away so I can get my manly sleep! 


Dom:  [to the looker]  So… the other day I went into a tattoo parlor to get a cute little heart tattooed around my belly button… but something went terribly, terribly wrong!  I guess my manliness was just too much for the artist to handle… look at what he did to me!  [sniffles]   My manly abs are covered… you can no longer see my manly little-bit-more-than-a-half-of-a-can-which-is-manlier-than-Elijah’s-half-can… all you see is this… [looks down] manly… wow… [completely stunned] … why was I complaining?  If I were someone else, I would jump on myself… wow… now that’s what I call manly…


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 07:28 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Hummina… Hummina… Mannina… 3 (cont’d)

Billy:  [to the crowd] You guys better watch out!  Don’t be making fun of my manliness!  Dom will take you down with all his manliness for making fun of my manliness!

Dom:  That’s right!  I’ll open a can of Spatula on you!  Beware of me and my manliness!  Fear… fear for your lives!  [karate kicks the air]  Ow… I think I got a splinter…

 

 

 


Orlando:  [thinking]  I’ve got it!  If I just kiss one of these manly men, some of their manliness is bound to rub off on me… and Elijah’s strawberry lip gloss has my name on it! 

Elijah:  [thinking, stunned]  Wow… I didn’t know that I could have that kind of effect on a guy!  I knew my manliness was manly enough to draw the ladies to me… but perhaps it is not a good thing to have so much manliness that it draws the fellas to me as well! 

Orlando:  [after kiss]  Yeah… maybe that wasn’t such a good idea... maybe Elijah isn’t quite as manly as I thought he was… maybe his tongue shouldn’t have been in my mouth… maybe I shouldn’t have grabbed his butt… maybe we can forget this ever happened… maybe everybody’s pictures of it will just magically disappear… maybe it was just a dream… maybe it never really happened… [licks lips]  no… it happened… I have the strawberry lip gloss on my lips to prove it! 



Billy:  Elijah why are you always looking at me?  [thinking] I know, I know… it is because of my manliness… the world is just drawn to it!

Elijah:  I’m trying to figure out why you are biting your bottom lip!  [thinking] Probably trying to resist kissing me… I know, I know… after all now that Orlando has kissed me, you are a little jealous!  You really want some of my strawberry lip gloss on those soft Scottish lips of yours!

Dom:  [thinking] It is finally time to come to the official conclusion of who is the manliest moo moo featured on this blog!  And of course the only fair and logical way to do this is to compare our chin dirt!  So, here we go… [pulls out a chin hair, eyes well up with tears]  oooh… oooww… perhaps I should haves started with one of them!

 

 

 


Billy:  Dom, why are you crying?  [thinking] Why should I even ask… he is always crying… poor guy…

Elijah:  [to Dom]  Perhaps the more important question is what are you doing?  [thinking] At least Billy resisted the urge to kiss me by biting his lip, but looks like Dom has lost control of himself and is about to plant a big wet one on me! 

Dom:  [struggles to see through the tears, thinking]  Who would have thought that one of my chin hairs would have so much manliness that it would effect my manly vision?  No worries though… [grabs a hair on Elijah’s face]

Elijah:  [still thinking] No… wait… I don’t think he is going to kiss me…  [Dom rips out a nose hair, Elijah grabs his face where he feels the pain, to Dom]  Dude… what did I ever do to you?

Dom:  No… wait… [moves hand to Elijah’s chin, rips out a chin hair]  There we go!  That’s what I’m talking about!

 

 


 

Elijah:  [wipes tears from his eyes, to Dom]  That hurt, man… that really hurt!  I think you owe me a hug!

Billy:  [thinking] Whoa… looks like those two are getting a little friendly!  Perhaps I am just in the way!  No… wait… now Dom is coming for me!  What the… ?

Dom:  [reaches around Elijah as if to give him a hug, to both] I’m sorry… but this is the way it has to be!  [mercilessly rips out a hair from Billy’s chin]  I’ve got it!  It is now time for my experiment!  [claps hands with  excitement, and in so doing stupidly drops all three hairs]  Uh oh… I guess this means I have to start over!

Billy and Elijah:  [both with tears in their eyes, still holding their sore chins where Dom pulled out hairs, shouting] NOOOOOOOO!

 

 

 


Dom:  [to Sharon Osborn, whose show he is on]  It’s right here!  Give me a harder one!  Com’on! 

Sharon:  How about your ear… where’s your ear? 

Dom:  [points to his ear]

Sharon:  Good job!  How about your nose?

Dom:  Piece of cake… it’s the big manly thing on the front of my face!  [points to his nose]  Do it again!  Do it again! 

Sharon:  Alright… where is your foot?

Dom:  [puts his hand on his stomach]  No… wait… that’s not right!  [holds out his arm]  Nope… uh… [smacks his thigh]  Wait, wait… I’ve, I’ve almost got it!  [stands up and walks around in circles with his eyes fixed on his butt] Is that right?

Sharon:  No, Dommie, babe… I’m sorry!  I guess I shouldn’t have given you such a hard one!  Though, I must say I absolutely love your shirt!  What a cute little kitten holding a great big pink heart! 

Dom:  [thinking]  That’s right!  Who needs to know where their foot it when you are as manly as me wearing a manly shirt?

 

 

 


Billy:  [grabs Elijah excitedly to give him a big hug, thinking] I think that we have officially made it through yet another manliness entry, and guess who is still on top… guess who is still considered the manliness moo moo featured on this blog!  It’s me, me, manly, Scottish, little old me! 

Elijah:  [thinking] First Orlando and now Billy?  I really do need to learn to contain my manliness around guys… but who am I kidding?  I can’t help drawing the people… people flock to my manliness like a moth to a flame!

 

 


 

Billy:  [thinking] Whoa… Orlando has a really good grip!  I’m starting to feel lightheaded… I can’t breathe… what is he doing?  Trying to kill me or something?  He can take my life, but he still can’t take my manliness! 

Orlando:  [to the looker] Please don’t get me wrong!  I really do like Billy Boyd… he’s a descent guy and quite manly!  Personally, I wish he had been in Pirates with me… that monkey wouldn’t have been so moody with all his Scottishness on the set day in and day out!   So why am I strangling him, you ask?  Elijah is paying me to do so!  I guess he thinks that if Billy is out of the picture, he will be named manliest!  I think that he is wrong!  But hey… whatever floats his boat, I guess!  At least I am making money off of the deal! 

 



 

Dom:  That’s right!  Give me my award for being the manliest manly man here!  [tries to pull the award away from the other three]

Elijah:  Oh no you don’t!  That’s mine!  Let go Dom!  I’m the winner and you’re the loser!

Dom:  You wish!  It’s supposed to be, “I’m the tall one and you’re the short one!”  And just in case you were wondering… tall = manly!  Therefore short = (fill in the blank)… it’s kinda like magma in that respect! 

Elijah:  LIAR!!!!  LIAR!!!!  If anyone = (fill in the blank) it is you with your shiny black suit and hair that is too long for your own good!  Wouldn’t you agree with me, Savvy1stMate?

Savvy1stMate:  [steps out from behind the curtain]

Dom:  [stammering] But… uh… oh no, no!  Not fair!  Uh… uh… I can explain… honest I can… just… just give me a chance!  Please!  Please don’t banish me!  Please don’t give Elijah the award due to lack of better competition!  I will change my ways!  I will… I promise!  I have learned my lesson! 

Elijah:  I still think I deserve it!  [thinking to himself] I had Billy Boyd taken out of the picture… I can have Dom Monaghan taken out too… no worries… none at all…


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 07:28 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Saturday, December 25, 2004
Christmas with the Spatulas

Here are Pippy LongSpatula and Captain Oc BEAN singing you their favorite Christmas Carol!  Accompanying them are their favorite Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, playing the maracas and guitar respectively!

 

 

 

While they were out Christmas caroling, it looks like Pippy and Oc’s home was visited and someone left them a room full of presents!  Take a look for yourself at all the wonderful gifts they received in honor of Jesus’ Birthday!  Who wouldn’t want giant pink flamingos? 

 

 

 

And finally, to wish all of you a Freaking-tastic Christmas and the Randomest New Year ever, here are two very special Christmas cards from the Captain and me made just for you! 






This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 01:25 am by Savvy1stMate!
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Thursday, December 23, 2004
They’re Catching up…

Allow me to explain the business which resulted in my lack of my fulfillment in the randomness department’s quota which has been placed on me!  There is so much time and so little to write about… hold the phone… strike that… reverse it… yes, yes… there is so much to write about and so little time do so! 

 

Between work, school, and the Christmas season, I have had hardly any free time lately, and that time which I do have free I try to reserve for spending time with the Captain, as she is still making plans to become a fishing fiend soon!  Plus I would like to point out the fact that the Captain was supposed to write an entry so I have been waiting for her to do so as I am sure that you are all dying to hear what she has been up to lately!  She had plans to write about her perfect man… unfortunately following in the wonderful tradition of the Captain, she has not found the time, the patience, or the memory to do so!  Maybe someday, eventually… though I highly doubt it!

 

There is so much, however, that I need to catch up on in light of the fact that I haven’t written in a month and a half… again!  Seriously, I’ve had major issues this year!  Luckily New Years is coming up, and with it comes resolutions… and though I hate, despise, utterly and completely rebel against resolutions, I might just have to make one that concerns updating more often!  However, most resolutions are made and then quickly broken, so maybe it is not worth it! 

 

AnyBEAN… Christmas time is coming up very quickly!  YAY!  I am so excited!  The Captain, however, has a different opinion on this wonderful time of the year and has rebelled against the whole season and holiday!  I am hoping to convince her to think better of the holiday, however, with a very exciting portion of her Christmas gift!  I can’t mention anything about it, because that would ruin the surprise!  But when the time is right, I will share the excitement with her and with the rest of you… but don’t expect anything too soon!  The Captain and I are following in our long held tradition of celebrating Christmas and New Years all on New Years Eve by staying up all night watching movies! 

 

WARNING: I don’t know if you have heard the rumors, believed the rumors, ignored the rumors, spread the rumors, or made up the rumors, but they are all false!  Ignore them altogether for they are nothing but rumors, nasty lies spread by the infamous pen-smelling girl and her band of Gollum-wannabe strawberry tarts!  What a bunch of chumas!  By the way, if you have found the rumors to be true, which I must emphatically insist that they are not, please do not spread them!  The truth will all come out in due time in the due manner with the due information!  Thank you for taking the time to read this important public service announcement!

 

Alright… seeing as Christmas is only a couple days away, I would like to bring the topic back up now, despite the a certain person’s rebellion against it!  Following in the tradition, I would like to wish the Captain a very Merry Christmas with the following, part one of five Christmas gifts:

 

 

 

I figured you would be excited, Captain!  This wonderful tradition of a Christmas gift began last year, as did many other special Christmas traditions, due to the fact that last year was our first Christmas here in Spatula Land!  I would like to call your attention to some of my favorite memories from our first Christmas, because every ounce of my Christmas creativity was squeezed out last Christmas leaving nothing left for me to create new and exciting Christmas-ness this year!  Please check out the following:  

 

The Twelve Days of Christmas… Savvy Style

Merry Christmas and Pippin New Year!

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in Spatula Land

A List of 78 Points of Randomness Needed to Celebrate Christmas in a Farfalarfery Way!

 

Finally, though it is little bit late, I would like to include my Christmas wish list so that, if anyone would like to buy me a Christmas gift, they will know what to get me:

 

  • Return of the King Extended Version DVD
  • Lord of the Rings Trilogy PS2 game
  • Napoleon Dynamite DVD
  • Saved by the Bell Seasons 1-4 on DVD
  • Phantom of the Opera sheet music
  • The Phantom of the Opera Movie extended soundtrack
  • gift certificates to the horse smelling theater
  • memory card for digital camera
  • printable image transfer onto material stuff

 

AnyBEAN… I think that that is about it for this entry!  Though there is so much more that I could write about, I am sure you are tired of reading!  Therefore I will let you go for now!  Keep checking back, as I have a couple of special Christmassy thing to share with you all!  How is that for a teaser?  I like teasers, but hate spoilers… no spoiling, just teasing… mwahahahaha!

 

One more quick note for both myself and for all of our faithful viewers, after the holidays or whenever I get back to writing, here is my list of things that I need to talk about: polar bears, BEAN, a new member of the Spatula Land Family, Odes and polls, the Captains’ perfect man, what the Captain would request as ransom if she was taking over the world, Burundi, Spatula Land car toppers, our idea for a car commercial, and much, much more…



This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 02:40 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Sunday, October 31, 2004
95 Random Thesis about Spatulas

In honor of Reformation Day, which celebrates the fact that on October 31, 1517, Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany, we here in Spatula Land have written our own 95 Random Thesis about something very important to our hearts… Spatulas.  Happy Reformation Day everyone… and thank you for celebrating with us by reading our randomness.  I now present to you, for your nonsensical enjoyment, our second annual 95 Random Thesis…

 

1.  Spatulas are love.

2.  Spatulas are life.

3.  Spatulas like to dance.

4.  Spatulas like to be danced with.

5.  Spatulas like to wear kilts.

6.  Spatulas like to be kept in sporrans.

7.  Spatulas altogether rock.

8.  Spatulas make you sing, “You all, everybody”.

9.  Spatulas make randomness make sense.

10.  Spatulas make sense seem random.

11.  Spatulas make people smile.

12.  Spatulas could help the pen-smelling girl.  

13.  Spatulas could help Dom’s hair. 

14.  Spatulas could help prevent forest fires.

15.  Spatulas could bring about world peace.

16.  Spatulas could make Jurassic Park better.

17.  Spatulas could make Lord of the Rings better.

18.  Spatulas could make Phantom of the Opera better.

19.  Spatulas could make being swallowed by a giant fish better.

20.  Spatulas can look like a frog.

21.  Spatulas can look like a bus.

22.  Spatulas can look like Mr. Hat Man. 

23.  Spatulas would make good car spotters.  

24.  Spatulas would make good fish bait.

25.  Spatulas would make good Phantom bait.

26.  Spatulas would make good sock models.

27.  Spatulas would make good fake fingernails. 

28.  Spatulas would not make good fake eyelashes.

29.  Spatulas are better than fake eyelashes.

30.  Spatulas are better than wooden spoons.

31.  Spatulas are better than Cappy.

32.  Spatulas are better than star rugs.

33.  Spatulas are better than a place called the wilderness.

34.  Spatulas are better than furry big feet.

35.  Spatulas are better than margarita pizza.

36.  Spatulas like pudding.

37.  Spatulas like fish eyes.

38.  Spatulas should be contestants on Fear Factor.

39.  Spatulas stare fear in the face and make it run for cover.

40.  Spatulas don’t like to eat noodles.

41.  Spatulas don’t like to have clam juice squirted in their mouths.

42.  Spatulas don’t like wrapping presents.

43.  Spatulas don’t like shoe boxes. 

44.  Spatulas don’t like newspapers.

45.  Spatulas don’t like when their spleens have been ostracized.    

46.  Spatulas don’t like plaster of Paris.

47.  Spatulas prefer plaster of Rome. 

48.  Spatulas make you wish you were Scottish.

49.  Spatulas make you wish you were wearing a kilt.

50.  Spatulas make you wish you were KGCCJS.

51.  Spatulas make you hate Peacocks. 

52.  Spatulas make you hate pen-smellers.

53.  Spatulas make you violent toward people who think that it is a burn. 

54.  Spatulas make you attractive to drunk European guys.

55.  Spatulas don’t make European guys drunk.

56.  Spatulas don’t make honey give you hives.

57.  Spatulas don’t make you wish you were a Refralafraf.

58.  Spatulas don’t make you smell pens.

59.  Spatulas don’t make you hate pink hair.

60.  Spatulas don’t make green hair look good.

61.  Spatulas don’t make baby poo colored anything look good. 

62.  Spatulas like HUME. 

63.  Spatulas like BASTA.

64.  Spatulas like chandeliers. 

65.  Spatulas like to ride blue-and-green-plaid elephants. 

66.  Spatulas like to be called Spatulas. 

67.  Spatulas like to build fortresses in the wet sand in the middle of the night.

68.  Spatulas like to see the ocean glow in the middle of the night.

69.  Spatulas like Reformation day.

70.  Spatulas like Jenny Geddes.

71.  Spatulas like throwing stoles.

72.  Spatulas like other Spatulas.

73.  Spatulas like flicking annoying people in the head for being annoying.

74.  Spatulas like owls.

75.  Spatulas look good flying with owls. 

76.  Spatulas look good flying.

77.  Spatulas look good being Spatulas.

78.  Spatulas look good eating fettuccini alfredo. 

79.  Spatulas look good jumping on trampolines. 

80.  Spatulas want it to snow in L.A.

81.  Spatulas want colder deserts.

82.  Spatulas want warmer feet.

83.  Spatulas want you to run 8 miles a day.

84.  Spatulas want salt. 

85.  Spatulas want Christine Daaé to pick the Phantom.

86.  Spatulas want Charlie Brown to kick the football.

87.  Spatulas want to jump on the Jump-Worthy Welsh Guy.

88.  Spatulas want you to know that Uncle Sam wants you.  

89.  Spatulas make ugly people beautiful. 

90.  Spatulas make the sun shine. 

91.  Spatulas make life wonderful.

92.  Spatulas make the world go ‘round.

93.  Spatulas change lives.

94.  Spatulas make things happen.  

95.  Spatulas are Spatulas.   


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 10:28 am by Savvy1stMate!
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Monday, October 25, 2004
I want to be a fishing fiend, man… a fishing fiend!

Alright, so here is the deal!  I haven’t written in like 3 weeks… you all know this and are probably very bitter and cynical that I am not keeping up with my quota of randomness that you have all come to know, love, and expect!  My apologies, friends, you have no manner of luck at all.  The problem is, I haven’t felt very inspired lately!  While the Captain and I have our usual jaunts of random conversations almost every night, and usually end up peeing our pants we due to laughing so hard, it is difficult to take such brrrrrilliant randomness back to the blog!  I guess you could call it a writers' block… but take this in no way to mean a nonsense block… nothing can stop the randomness, man… nothing can stop the randomness! 

 

Seeing as my last entry was a "Today's Nonsense" entry, I couldn't do the same thing this time, even though it has been a while since I have written.  Therefore, though I will talk about many different subjects in this entry, none of which really tie together (much the style of a "Toady's Nonsense" entry), there will be one unifying factor!  Let’s see if you can figure it out, man… if you can figure it out!

 

What was the title of this entry?  Oh yes… fishing fiend!  Captain, I don't want you to become a fishing fiend!  It is not allowed… of if you do become a fishing fiend I want to become a fishing fiend with you!  It is not very fishing fiend-ish to be a fishing fiend loner!  In order to be a fishing fiend you must do it with a good friend!  It's the rule, man… it the rule! 

 

As if that was not already enough of code talk to annoy the heck out of everyone reading… let's try this!  We saw the HA's HS… it was H and S… yes, yes… that's a H piece of A right there!  How is that for confusing?  I have been wanting to do that for so long!  Lets see if you an follow this, Captain!  So, when it comes to the HA… the A is not as H as the S is H… but may favorite part isthe A… not the original A, but the A we talked about last week… the A which is so difficult to read, and only seen because the S was shown… that HS!  Wait… I don't even know if I could follow that!  Unless you understood it, ignore the whole comment, man… ignore the whole comment!

 

Quick random thought… I want some IRN BRU!  I haven’t gotten my daily dose of quinine is quite a while!  Whatever will I do?  I think that is why I keep getting sick, Captain!  We gotta go back to the wonderful land of kilts for this very important immune system boost!  I mean… no one would have to worry about the lack of flu vaccinations if stores here would only carry a decent drink with quite a bit of quinine in it!  Geez… is that too much to ask?  I think not, man… I think not! 

 

I went apple picking yesterday with the family… not mine, just some family!  I bought a piece of candy… not like a snack mix thing, but a sucker/lollipop thing!  On the back, there is a sticker, which reads, word for word, as follows…

“Could contain some or all of the following ingredients: sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, citric acid, salt, certified color."

My question is, how do they not know if my candy does not contain it if they are the ones who made it?  Yeah… it could contain these ingredients, but does it?  I don’t know!  It might contain some… it might contain all… but I might even venture to say that it doesn’t contain any… after all, it only could contain them... but it doesn’t have to!  Way to be vague, man… way to be vague! 

 

Have I ever mentioned to you all a particular Welsh Guy!  Don't worry… he is in no way related to Cute Scottish Guy, despite the similarity in names!  Alight… my Welsh Guy needs a good adjective for his first one… I have a good one, but prefer not to use it on the blog (though I guess I could call him S Welsh Guy, but I will keep the abbreviations limited to the lucky A, HA)!  So… a new adjective to describe Mr. Welsh Guy… I would prefer a one or two syllable word, so phenomenal won't work, though he very much is!  Squishy could work, but I think I have got it!  Jump-Worthy Welsh Guy!  What do you think Captain?  Yes, yes… he truly is the Jump-Worthy Welsh Guy, man… the Jump-Worthy Welsh Guy! 

 

Alright, enough with the randomness!  I would just like to point out a couple of new things that have recently been added to www.spatulaland.com!  First there is a new game under the category of “spatula fun”… a long and complicated word search for the randomest words I could think of.  Second, I finally got a new poll up and going, for which you can also find a link on “spatula fun” page.  I hope you enjoy the improvements.  I am also continuing work on “95 Thesis about Spatulas” and “The Spatula of the Opera”… which should both be out in another couple of weeks!  However, between work, school, and sicknesses, I have been really busy and unable to get much done on them.  I guess you will just have to keep checking back!  Alright my friends, it is time for you all to go and try to figure out this HA business!  I mean it!  Go… go now… go now and leave me!  I said go, man… go!

This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 12:01 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Monday, October 04, 2004
Today's "You all, everybody!" Nonsense

I forgot about the glory that is "Today's Nonsense" entries, where nothing you talk about has to make sense, or go together, or flow like a flippin’ little dolphin!  It's great!  Yes, yes great!  And to that all I have to say is…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Otay… so if you don’t know, don’t ask!  If you do know, yes, I am obsessed!  But that is only cuz it is so stinkin’ funny!  You know… funny… with the ha ha and the he he!  You know… funny!  Apparently you don’t think so… apparently!  Clearly… I mean apparently… you’ve never been to Singapore… apparently!  And clearly… I mean apparently… you are not part of…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Now speaking of broken toes, I think that mine is!  *pauses for the sympathetic moan that comes from the crowd* Yes, yes!  Yesterday , in the middle of a extravagant rage that came over me due to the lack of Jamba Juice near my new place I kicked the wall!  You see… one cannot live without manna!  Starbucks is stupid and took away my drink of choice (which by the way reminds me that randomness wants to be your raft of choice, “You all, everybody!”), and Coldstone is pretty much nonexistent in my neck of the woods, and Chili's is an hours and hours away drive, and I have now searched far and wide and still cannot find a Jamba Juice!  Finally the outrageous outrage got the best of me!  I found a nice hard part of the wall to kick!  Unfortunately, on my way of walking to the wall, I decided to put some fake grapes on this little shelf over the couch, and stubbed my toe on the stupid foot thingy on the couch!  BASTA!  The only thing that can make me happy again is… you guessed it…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Alright, kids… it is now time for our daily reading of the Pirate's Bible!  Today's Text: John 3:16-21

 

“Arrr… for Ye Captain of Life so loved this godforsaken spit of land that he gave His Treasure, that be His one and only Son, that whatever Pirate believes in Him shall not walk the plank, but have everlasting life onboard ship.  For Ye Captain of Life did not send His Treasure into this godforsaken spit of land to condemn it, but to save it through Him, savvy?  Arrrr… whoever believes in this Treasure is not condemned, but whoever does not believe be on the plank prepared to walk because he has not believed in the name of the Captain’s one and only Treasure.  This be the verdict: Light has come into the world, but ye Pirates loved darkness instead of light because ye’r deeds be evil.  Ye Pirates who do evil hate the light and be shakin’ in ye’r boots that ye deeds will be exposed.  But ye Pirates that be in livin’ by the truth, ye come into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that ye holds are bursting with swag by the power of the Captain.  Arrrr…”

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Yesterday was one of my friend's birthdays, so I would quickly like to give a shout out to her!  Happy Birthday, weirdo, and sorry that it is a bit belated!  For your birthday, I would like to send you to Doune, so you can see the castle at which Monty Python and the Holy Grail was filmed at, cuz I know you would love it.  Unfortunately I am poor, so instead of that lovely gift I have decided to sing "happy birthday" you… and speaking of singing…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

I had a really bad day at work today!  I took my small white purse instead of my big black purse because I wore my light gray shoes so that the white tape wrapped around my toes wouldn’t stand out quite so much, and in switching all my stuff from one purse to the other, I forgot to put my lip balm in my little white purse!  *makes yet another slight pause for the audiences reaction of a horrific gasp*  Luckily I am not the only person to have ever gone through such a horrendous experience, and to help in my difficulty, I would like to share this with you…

 

Napoleon:  Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?

Secretary:  Is there anything wrong?

Napoleon:   I don't feel very good.  [takes telephone and dials number]

Kip:  [making nachos on the other line]  Hi.

Napoleon Dynamite:  Is grandma there?

Kip:  No, she's getting her hair done.

Napoleon:  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Kip:  What do you need?

Napoleon:  Can you just go get her for me?

Kip:  I'm really busy right now.

Napoleon:  Just tell her to come get me.

Kip:  Why?

Napoleon:  Cause I don't feel good!

Kip:  Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

Napoleon:  No, she doesn't know anything.  Will you just come get me?

Kip:  No.

Napoleon:  Well, will you do me a favor then?  Can you bring me my chapstick?

Kip:  No, Napoleon.

Napoleon:  But my lips hurt real bad!

Kip:  Just borrow some from the school nurse.  I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.

Napoleon:  I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!

Kip:  See ya.

Napoleon:  Ugh!  Idiot!

 

*Empathizes with Napoleon*  I feel for you man!  My lips hurt real bad too!  Luckily I was able to survive the unimaginably awful day, and arrived home to smother my lips in the strawberry goodness!  You know what I am talking about.! 

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

A couple of weeks ago when I hung out with a couple of undisclosed (can I use that word or, should I say unnamable?) people at Disneyland, I began reminiscing about Quaker Meadow!  Oh the glory!  Oh the randomness!  Oh the humanity!  Cory eating from the slop bucket off of Mike Kissen’s toes!  Captain, can you imagine the 4-P’s now… with us the way we are now… with spatulas and the dance!  Brrrrrilliant!  I guess they don’t do the mud pit any more (which is good, because why were we the only group ever to have our picture taken while covered in mud?  BASTA!)… suckers… now they have a ketchup and mustard Slip-n-Slide!  Stick-fanta, man!  Stic-fanta!  I remember my favorite part of the week was Bible Smugglers… man… the glory… the shear phenomenal geniusness of the glory (except for the clam juice… what that Chad or Cory or both?)  Ooooh… and doing the Funky Chicken on top of the table… and going to Dome Rock!  Really, all these memories just make me wanna go…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Have I ever mentioned the fact that I love the Ellen Degeneres show?  Cuz, well, I do!  I can’t talk too much about it, cuz I might never stop, but a couple of quick points!  Last week Ellen talked about LOST… YAY for her, she’s kool now!  Also, a week ago she gave up coffee, and having never been a coffee drinker, I can’t really feel for her, so, never mind!  I have a really good idea for “What are you doing while your watching” segment, that I plan to send in soon, and we all know that I am so random that it is quite likely she will read my e-mail… so keep your eyes peeled for the nonsense!  But until then, here is a random e-mail that I sent in today… it is for the “What’s on your mind” section of the show! 

 

Dear Ellen,

 

On Monday’s show you were talking about weird names for kids.  My friend and I have had many discussions about what we want to name our kids when we eventually find the right guys and get married.  Though I unfortunately will name my kids something normal, my friend Clarissa hopes to have twin boys so that she can name them “Djibouti BEAN” and “Mercutio BEAN”.  Djibouti is a country in Africa and Mercutio was a friend of Romeo’s in a famous Shakespearean play.  As for BEAN, it is just a great random word, and to have it be the middle name of just one kid would be unfair to the other.  Just so Clarissa doesn’t get mad at me for sharing this with you, I would like to warn anyone who tries to steal her ideas that we will hunt them down!  Now that I have said that, thank you for reading what’s on my mind.  Have a wonderful day! 

 

God bless,

Megan “I wish my middle name was BEAN”

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

While you are here, reading my nonsense, you should take my poll of nonsense!  Let me know what your favorite thing about spatulas is at www.spatulaland.com!  Click Here to take the poll!  You know you wanna!  Everybody’s doing it!  Come on!  Come on, do it!  Do it now!  Yeah, that’s right!  I am talking to…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

One last note before I end my nonsense for today!  YAY for Jenny Geddes!  And to that I say…

 

"You all, everybody!"

 

Ooooh, oooh!  I just noticed something!  I actually made it through an entire entry with out mentioning the HA… so I just thought that I would mention the HA now!  Random thought about the HA… the HA’s A isn’t looking so H at the butt-crack of dawn!  Otay, my mission was accomplished!  I mentioned the HA, therefore continuing to the long held tradition of HA-ness!  Enough with the HA, already!

 

"You all, everybody!"


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 11:48 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Sunday, September 26, 2004
www.spatulaland.com

In honor of today being one year since the Captain and I began this wonderful blogy-thingy (yeah!  That’s right!  A year!  A whole year!), I would proudly like to present to all of you, for your random spatula-loving enjoyment:

 

www.spatulaland.com

 

*does the Spatula Dance for our first official spatula-loving website*  YAY!  Aren’t you so excited?  I have spent a week getting it up and running, and though there is still much to be done, I hope that you all will enjoy it!  Put it on your favorites!  Visit early, visit often!  Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, and try the veal!  Good night, everybody! 

 

Not to disappoint you or anything, but I think that this might be the shortest entry in this blog’s history so as not to make you laugh so hard that you exhaust yourself before you have time to visit our new website!  So, yeah!  Go… shoo… get outta here… go visit the new and improved Spatula Land… go… go now… go now and leave me! 

 

Oh wait… I have one… two… three more things to say!  Seeing as this is my first entry since the glory that is LOST I would just like to point out the following:

1.  They left out Jack’s speech about the 600 year old woman.  I think that that was just a little important… cuz first it shows how his life was spared, and second, it makes him look like less of an alcoholic! 

 

2.  YOU ALL, EVERYBODY!  YOU ALL, EVERYBODY!  YOU ALL, EVERYBODY!  YOU ALL, EVERY… body?

 

3.  Captain, much like the Lord of the Rings song, we need to write a LOST song, savvy?  Hmmmm… we must, it is a necessity!  And my thought is that it should be to the tune of a Phantom of the Opera song, savvy?  You think, and we will talk! 


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 09:24 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
LOST in Spatula Land

In honor of LOST finally premiering tonight (although, I would like to point of the fact that I am a little mad, cuz I still have to wait another couple of weeks to see a new episode!  BASTA!), I have decided to write a story of what it would be like if a plane crashed in Spatula Land and what the 48 survivors of said plane crash would be faced with while living in this new and strange Land of Spatulas!  Yes, yes… randomness!  On with the show! 


                   

A black screen appears… oooh… blackness… tension… very intriguing indeed!  *explosion sounds come from all directions* CRASH!  BANG!  BOOM!  ZOINK… (hey, this is Spatula Land, it could happen)  BOINK!  ZOUCH!  IT’S A MOO MOO! 

 

Today is a day that they will never forget.  A Boeing 2316.2 (aka a blue-and-green-plaid flying elephant) crashed into an invisible wall 2000 feet above sea level which is intended to keep the scary flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz away from the Captain.  The elephant then plummeted to the ground and landed on a very small and exotic island shaped like the connecting together of Savvy1stMate’s leg hair follicles and unlike anything anyone has ever seen.  This Dumbo Flight 621 headed from Uferbia to Kung-Pao-City never reached its destination. No yummy food was to be had, for “ETAF” would have them land on this unknown and uncharted island paradise in the middle of the Peenya Kowlada Sea.

 

The survivors of the wreckage had dealt with the scary and painful realities of their elephant crash.  They had finally settled in for the night when suddenly an uncanny scream can from one of the survivors and the rest focused in on the jungle that lay beyond the beach.  The most horrible sound came from the trees—the sound of a hamburger hitting the floor.  No more flipping for that well loved utensil!  But what could have made the all important and well celebrated Spatula stop flipping that now dirty burger?  Those lost on the island, to their dismay and horror, would soon find out!

 

The next morning they woke up after a night of almost no sleep, and much confuse-ment about the night before.  They all decided that they could not let the UNKNOWN control there lives, and they began to deal with the circumstances that they had been faced with.  They went through the luggage that had survived the crash to find only 3 things worth mentioning… a purple glitter pen that is also a clock, a package of magnetic poetry in the language of Scots, and a manly yellow oar that at one point in time was held by Mr. Billy Boyd himself.  With these items in hand as their only form of protection from whatever lay beyond the beach, the survivors decided to explore the island. 

 

In the jungle they found many interesting inhabitance.  A whole colony of squirrels covered with lipstick, who had been kissed in search of the King of the Squirrels, who remember when kissed with turn into a pink elephant… which by the way, excited the survivors because if they could find this King of the Squirrels and turn him into a pink elephant they could teach him to fly and therefore get off the God-forsaken island they were stuck on… but anyBEAN!  They also found a family of polar bears, which one meany-boy-head tried to shoot, but luckily these particular polar bears which I recently bought and introduced to the jungles of our wonderful little land, has a special force that pushes away anything metal (like the opposite of a magnetic force), so the polar bears were safe.  Then they saw, from far away, a French Christopher Robin, and his good friend Winnie Lu Son… but decided to run away from them, cuz Chris was just a little too (fill in the blank) for their taste. 

 

Along the trail which they were running on away from Chris, they stumbled upon the unthinkable!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!  A pile of broken, torn apart, burnt up, thrashed, mangled, and destroyed spatulas!  NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!  The shock was too much for them.  What was this world coming to when something leaves a pile of such lovely beings dead and unburied?  The team of survivors turned back, without an ounce of hope left within them.  If this UNKNOWN was willing to murder innocent Spatulas, the survivors of the plane crash had no hope of survival. 

 

They eventually found themselves back on the beach, but along the way had collected 20 or so Spatulas out of the jungle, in hopes of keeping them alive through the night.  But as the sun splashed into the Sea, the survivors knew that this thing, this monster, this UNKNOWN was out to get them and their little spatulas too!  Sounds of more burgers hitting the ground echoed in the distance, but they seemed to be getting closer.  It was only a matter of time.

 

The group of survivors huddle together around the Spatulas they were trying to keep safe.  Silence fell over them as they heard a twig snap.  Suddenly, from the midst of the jungle leapt out a horrible menacing Refralafraf!  AAAAAAAAHH!!!!  That’s right, a Spatula-hating, loud obnoxious, pen-smelling, you just want to flick them in the forehead until they die Refralafraf was responsible for the death of all those Spatulas… and she had spotted her next victims! 

 

She ran toward the group of survivors and Spatulas, hurling everything and everybody out of her way until she reached the poor defenseless utensils.  She began gnawing, hacking, breaking, burning, that Usurper and Destroyer of Spatulas!  The survivors just stood back in shock and horror, not knowing what to do to save their helpless wooden friends.

 

Suddenly, from somewhere up above, “ETAF” came to rescue and a voice filled the early morning.  Quiet, but very clear, the voice whispered, “Every time the dance is done, a Spatula gets its wings”!  The survivors, still a bit confused, grabbed the surviving Spatulas and began to do the infamous Spatula Dance!  And suddenly, all the Spatulas which had been destroyed by the evil Refralafraf popped back to life, but this time with wings!  The survivors continued to do the dance, and suddenly, out of the jungle came many, many more Spatulas, so many that they scared the Refralafraf out of her mind, and she ended up falling on the ground and then chasing her tail (which by the way was not there), running around in circles barking! 

 

The Refralafraf was no longer a threat thanks to the survivors and their willingness to do the Spatula Dance.  The Spatulas were so grateful to the survivors of the plane crash for giving them their lives back that they decided to band together to make one giant Spatula (with wings of course) that would be able to fly the survivors to Kung-Pao-City so that they could finally have their yummy food that they had all been longing for!  But before leaving this magical, wonderful, and very impressionable land for good, they all joined in and did the Spatula Dance one last time. 

 

So, in conclusion, to the famous question which has been asked so many times, I finally officially really truly actually literally have an answer, so cue Dom: 

 

 

 

“Guys, where are we?” 

 

Dude… you’re in SPATULA LAND!  Need I say more?


This eccentric performance of nonsensical randomness took place at 06:16 pm by Savvy1stMate!
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