Merry Christmas Captain, Happy Belated Birthday Dom, and Happy New Year to everyone else! Sorry it is late, but I hope it makes all your wildest and freaking-tastic fantasies come true! Yes, yes… I am starting 2005 off with a bang… and with manliness! Oh the manliness… (by the way… if a picture doesn’t load, just right click on where the picture should be, scroll down the list, and left click on “Show Picture”… the picture should start to load after that… but you might have to do it for most of the pictures… sorry…)
Sean: [thinking] Hummina… hummina… mannina!
Dom: [thinking] Hummina… hummina… hummina… hummina… hummina… maybe… maybe… mannina…
Billy: [thinking] Hummina… hummina… manly mannina!
Elijah: [thinking] Hummina… hummina… manni manni manni manni mannina… mannina!
Savvy1stMate: Just incase you can’t read the caption, it says, “ ‘I take her into the garage with me when I paint,’ Dominic says of his fascinating pet insect Gizmo, who’s a leaf mantis. ‘I’ve done a couple of paintings of Gizmo.’ “ Need I say more?
Dom: Yes… I do paint! It is quite a manly hobby if you ask me! [strokes Gizmo] And how dare you make fun of Gizmo! She’s so cute and loving! The best friend I’ve ever had! She never talks back… which might be a bad thing, cuz I want her opinion on my new hair style! [tries to give Gizmo a kiss] Oh… I forgot! My big manly lips would crush poor Gizmo! I guess I will have to kiss my thumb instead and through my big manly hand my big manly kiss will be sent to my manly pet!
Billy: [to the looker] Ooooh… you didn’t know that I could play the drums, did you? I can also play the bass, and I am pretty gosh dang good if I do say so myself! Far more manly than Dom and Elijah singing baby talk mumbo jumbo! And it’s not like I can’t sing, cuz I can… I just choose to be more manly right now and play the drums!
Elijah: [wearing a curly haired wig grabs a microphone and acts like a stand up comic] What was that Billy? You say I am untalented at singing? Well… I can do more than sing! I got my start as a stand up comic on prom night when I dropped my pants and my girlfriend laughed for four hours! Yeah… but my mom took off when I was 16 saying she had to find a man that would love her forever… if only she knew that man was me!
Billy: [does a rim shot] That was great… who knew that there was something you were worse at than singing…
Elijah: HEY! HI!!! [thinking] They love me… they really love me! I should show my appreciation of their love for me with my kool hand gesture…
Dom: [thinking] I think someone just made a touchdown or a three-pointer or a hole in par or something! [mimics Elijah’s hand gesture, out loud] Way to go dude!
Elijah: [to Dom] What are you doing?
Dom: Congratulating that person on their terrific sports play!
Elijah: What person?
Dom: Oh… uh… what were you doing?
Elijah: Showing my love and appreciation back to this huge crowd of people!
Dom: Uh… dude… where I came from, we do that by doing this: [makes an obscene tongue gesture]
Elijah: [thinking] Is it bad that I totally want a piece of that action?
Dom: [to the looker] I know, I know! I am so ashamed! People are not supposed to see me like this! [sniffles] You see… I have my own set of people (who by the way I call my posse around Billy and Elijah so they don’t know the truth) who go with me everywhere to fix my eyes when they are on screen! It’s, it’s hard being an actor, you know? You have to look straight!
Elijah: [to the box] I shall call you boxy and you shall be mine, and you shall be my boxy! Come here boxy! Come here boxy! [to the looker] Isn’t this the cutest little box that you have ever laid eyes on? Well you can’t have it! It’s mine… my own… my precious! That’s right! The box is mine! You have no idea what it did to me… what it’s still doing to me! [lays down on the box] I already told you, you can’t have it! Leave me and my manly box in peace!
Brad: [thinking] Yes, yes… I am the manliest man you ever laid eyes on! Forget about these young-ins! I’m Brad Dourif! Aliens built me! No human hands could have built me! How’s that for manliness?
Billy: [thinking] Dom really isn’t manly enough to pull off this shirt where his stomach is hanging out! Perhaps I will help him out by pulling his shirt down! [places his hand on Dom’s stomach]
Dom: [thinking] Billy wants some of my manliness… as usual! He is probably cold… you know… from wearing that skimpy old kilt of his! I think that he has over worked that Scottish part of his manliness and it is now beginning to fade! Time for a new king of manliness to be raised up in his stead… [to the looker] Just in case you were wondering… that should be me!
Dom: [thinking] Oh, look at me! I’m a flippin’ little sword licker! Let me lick my sword for you! [tounge gets stuck to the frozen sword] Ow… pain… little help here… someone… anyone… tongue stuck… manly tongue stuck… ow… ow… clearly no one cares about Dom’s family jewel… ow… ow… please someone help me… if you help me, I promise I will give you my sword so that you can have something that will forever smell like me mouth… ow… please… I’m dying here… near death experience… I’m not crying wolf… ow… this is really painful… ow… ow…
Elijah: [to the girl standing next to him] Excuse me Miss I-fancy-myself-to-have-a-cool-blue-bag-and-you-don’t, can you pick that up for me? Yes, yes… I know that I am the biggest and manliest man the world has ever seen and that I should be able to get my own luggage! But… you see… there’s this certain group of people out there that are really, really obsessed with my arms, so I don’t want to hurt them! I want my arms to stay all big and manly so as not to disappoint anyone! So… if you could just pick up my bag and carry it on your back to the limo for me, I would be much obliged!
Elijah: Hey Dom… look what I can do! I can take a picture of my foot!
Dom: Wow… that’s just about the coolest picture I have ever seen. Take a picture of my foot, too!
Man: Billy… I hope you don’t mind that I am sitting on top of you… the seats are kinda squished together… [to the looker] Alright… I will let you in on a little secret… all the grease from Dom’s hair makes my butt a little slippery, and I need Billy to stabilize my position on the seat so as not to go flying into the middle of the court which would result in my being trampled!
Billy: Nah… it’s fine… [thinking] I’ve got enough manliness to go around… but why does he keep grabbing my thigh? Perhaps too much manliness is not a good thing…
Elijah: [takes a picture of Dom’s foot] Wow… who would have thought feet picture would be so fun?
Man: [to Dom and Billy] Whoa… did you guys see that play?
Dom: Oh… so your watching the slide show of our feet pictures too…
Billy: Some people (and when I say some people I mean Dom and Elijah) say that I wouldn’t be able to pull off being the Phantom of the Opera! The only reason they say this is because they can’t pull off being the Phantom of the Opera, and while on their part it is true, on my part they are completely wrong and I just thought I would go ahead and prove this to them. Only a truly manly man can get away with this look! [begins to sing] Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, in this darkness which you know you cannot fight – the darkness of the music of the night.
Girl: Now if I was Christine, I would not be able to resist the Phantom if it was Billy.
Billy: It’s true… I am jump-worthy!
Elijah: [to the looker in a sing-song voice] I’ve got a baby-poo jacket and you don’t! Neener neener neener! I know you wish you looked as manly as I do in front of these lovely purple flowers… but you don’t! Neener neener neener!
Sean: [thinking] One of these flowers does not compare to the beauty of my wife! If only Elijah were more manly, then he too could find himself a beautiful wife to give those flowers he’s got hiding in his jeans pocket to! I’m guessing he’s gonna take them home and have them float on the top of his bubble bath later! He’s really got issues!
Host: So, I heard you guys wrote a song! Do you mind… sharing it with us?
Elijah: Not at all! [begins to sing] Shadadadoo!
Dom: [begins to dance] Dadadoo!
Elijah: Bdabadoo… ooh doo doop… bap… bap…
Dom: [still to dancing] Dadabadadabadadap… dab! Badabadadabadadap… dab! Badabadabadaadaadaa… aah! Dah! Aah! Badabadabadaadaadaa! Ah! Dah! Aah!
Host: [cutting Dom and Elijah off] This is the song you wrote?
Elijah: Yeah… why? What do you think? It’s magnificent, isn’t it?
Host: [somewhat speechless] Uh… ere… umm… well that dance of Dom’s is definitely worthy of such a song!
Elijah: What does that mean?
Dom: [whispering to Elijah] It’s a compliment! He said that that the song was very manly!
Elijah: [to the host] Is that really what you meant?
Host: [turns to Billy] So… Billy! What have you been up to lately? Staying out of the song writing business I see…
Billy: [laughs to himself… thinking] I know exactly what he means!
Elijah: [thinking] Yeah, that’s right! Rub my head for good luck! Let some of my manliness seep through my hair follicles onto your hand! I’m guessing you got the memo that my manliness is the hottest trend and best accessory this season! Hey hey… don’t rub too hard, I don’t want to go bald before my time… plus… I need to save enough of my manliness to go around!
Dom: [to the looker] I know what you’re thinking! Topo Gigio! Nope… you’re wrong! It’s me! You know… Dom… the manliest of the Hobbits! You know… “Monkey Boy”, not to be confused with “The Funny”! Also known as “Neanderthal Boy”! [voice cracks] Why wouldn’t you believe me? [angrily] Fine… call me Topo Gigio! See if I care! [mumbles to himself] That doesn’t make me any less manly! They are the unmanly ones not recognizing my manliness! Basta!
Billy: [thinking] Poor Dom! Maybe I shouldn’t have started those rumors going around the club of Topo Gigio being here! No one recognizes him and they keep getting mad cuz he signed his name “Dom Monaghan”! But it’s his fault! Look at his jacket… far more Topo Gigio than any other jacket I’ve ever seen! I’m not gonna tell anyone it was a lie! I‘ll just sit here giggling to myself being all manly in my manly jacket! No… perhaps I should offer my jacket to Dom… as a sort of peace offering, you know? Yes, yes… I am a good friend! Plus he could use all the help he can get in the manliness department!
Dom: What do you mean I don’t live in
Savvy1stMate: [pointing out his mistake] Dom… dear… that place you are pointing to, is
Dom: Yeah… well… I betchya that you can’t stay in the lines like me… [smiles widely]
Dom: [to Billy] You have beautiful eyes!
Billy: Why thank you! And you have lovely nose hairs!
Dom: I thought we made a deal and you weren’t going to mention them anymore!
Billy: I’m sorry, alright! I won’t do it again!
Dom: Why do you always have to look?
Billy: I can’t help it! They’re just so… just so…
Dom: Just so… what?
Billy: Nose-hair like, you know?
Dom: Alright, that’s it! I’m leaving! [stands up to storm out]
Billy: No… wait… come back! I’m… I’m so sorry! No more… I promise! [thinking to himself] Ha! What am I saying? How can I not think about his wonderfully long nose hairs? I… I just can’t believe that they are already that long again in light of the fact that he plucked them out not too long ago and donated them to the costume department which used them for the Syphilitic Orc’s costume! Right… no, no… I promised… and I am gonna try as hard as I can to not mention the… [out loud] NOSE HAIRS!
Billy: Take that you filthy slimy mangy cat! Don’t mess with me! I can take you down using just my little finger I am so manly compared to you!
Dom: This is pointless! I am so big and manly that I could squash each of my opponents like a little bug! Let me just smack them upside the head with my manliness! You come at me and I will hit you with my manliness! And then you come and I’ll hit you and then you come… and I will just take these guys out! Who needs a sword when you’ve got manliness?
Elijah: Excuse me Mr. instructor of the sword fighting person, sir! My sword is too heavy! I am going to hurt my manly arms, which would horribly disappoint so many of my adoring fans, so much so that some might commit suicide! So… can I bring in a doctor’s note to get me out of this?
Sean: 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6... This is easy! Time to mix it up a little! 5… 1… 5… 3… 6… 2… 5… 1… 1… 4… 5… 6… And there you go! Accomplishment and scene!
Elijah: [to the looker] Alright, so I am no BEAN, and I am willing to admit that my manliness is a tad inferior to his… but I am happy to announce that fact that I am also no Dom, as my manliness is much superior to his! I guess what I am trying to say is that on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most manly you can be, BEAN would be a 10.0, I would be a 9.8, and poor Dom would be a 0.7. Spread the word!
Dom: [to the looker] Hey now… it’s not my fault that all the manly grease form my manly hair seeped onto my manly jacket making it shinny, which does not in anyway take away from its manliness factor! I have come up with a new slogan, by the way… shininess is manliness… manliness is shininess! Spread the word!
BEAN: [to the looker] Poor saps… who do these boys think they are dealing with? I’m Bean… I’m manly… I don’t need to prove myself, my BEANness, or my manliness to anyone! If anyone tries to mess with me, they better stand down immediately! BEAN has spoken! Spread the word!
Elijah: Whoa-ho-ho… look at all these people! This whole place is fair-teeming with people seeking manliness!
Dom: Seeking manliness, eh? [points to someone] You’re looking for manliness aren’t you? [points to someone else] Your looking for manliness, too? [points to yet another person] How about you?
Billy: Hey Dom… I think that person is looking for manliness!
Dom: Which person?
Billy: [points to person] That girl… right there!
Dom: [to the girl Billy was pointing at] Hey you… are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?
Girl: [to Dom] No… I’m looking for manliness!
Elijah: Oh… crash and burn…
Billy: She was looking at me…
Girl: [winks at Billy]
Elijah: [into the microphone to the crowd] Please… please… settle down… allow me to explain the somewhat questionable attire of Sean and I.
Sean: Yes, why don’t you do that, Elijah… because even I am starting to wonder…
Elijah: Well, you see… Savvy1stMate has two favorite pictures of herself and CaptainSavvy… the first is in a pizzeria in
Sean: Okay… that explains the water bottles, which is good because I was starting to wonder why you needed so much… but what about our getups?
Elijah: I wasn’t finished! The second picture is of them on the Pirates of the
Sean: Just in case you were wondering, I’ve got a cowboy hat on my head…
Elijah: It’s the best I could do… but at least I gave it a valiant effort… I am just hoping that Savvy1stMate will see it that way and name me manliest moo moo featured on the blog…
Sean: Based on this photo? You’ve gotta be kidding me…
Billy: I’m so tired! Carrying all this manliness around everyday everywhere I go… it’s exhausting! I only wish that I could leave it at home sometimes… but who am I kidding? It is impossible to separate me from my Scottishness and me from my manliness… it would be like trying to separate… ah, forget it! I am too tried to come up with a witty little metaphor for my manliness… it is too manly to be associated with anything else! Now, if you wouldn’t mind… please go away so I can get my manly sleep!
Dom: [to the looker] So… the other day I went into a tattoo parlor to get a cute little heart tattooed around my belly button… but something went terribly, terribly wrong! I guess my manliness was just too much for the artist to handle… look at what he did to me! [sniffles] My manly abs are covered… you can no longer see my manly little-bit-more-than-a-half-of-a-can-which-is-manlier-than-Elijah’s-half-can… all you see is this… [looks down] manly… wow… [completely stunned] … why was I complaining? If I were someone else, I would jump on myself… wow… now that’s what I call manly…
