Billy:  [to the crowd] You guys better watch out!  Don’t be making fun of my manliness!  Dom will take you down with all his manliness for making fun of my manliness!

Dom:  That’s right!  I’ll open a can of Spatula on you!  Beware of me and my manliness!  Fear… fear for your lives!  [karate kicks the air]  Ow… I think I got a splinter…

Orlando:  [thinking]  I’ve got it!  If I just kiss one of these manly men, some of their manliness is bound to rub off on me… and Elijah’s strawberry lip gloss has my name on it! 

Elijah:  [thinking, stunned]  Wow… I didn’t know that I could have that kind of effect on a guy!  I knew my manliness was manly enough to draw the ladies to me… but perhaps it is not a good thing to have so much manliness that it draws the fellas to me as well! 

Orlando:  [after kiss]  Yeah… maybe that wasn’t such a good idea... maybe Elijah isn’t quite as manly as I thought he was… maybe his tongue shouldn’t have been in my mouth… maybe I shouldn’t have grabbed his butt… maybe we can forget this ever happened… maybe everybody’s pictures of it will just magically disappear… maybe it was just a dream… maybe it never really happened… [licks lips]  no… it happened… I have the strawberry lip gloss on my lips to prove it! 

Billy:  Elijah why are you always looking at me?  [thinking] I know, I know… it is because of my manliness… the world is just drawn to it!

Elijah:  I’m trying to figure out why you are biting your bottom lip!  [thinking] Probably trying to resist kissing me… I know, I know… after all now that Orlando has kissed me, you are a little jealous!  You really want some of my strawberry lip gloss on those soft Scottish lips of yours!

Dom:  [thinking] It is finally time to come to the official conclusion of who is the manliest moo moo featured on this blog!  And of course the only fair and logical way to do this is to compare our chin dirt!  So, here we go… [pulls out a chin hair, eyes well up with tears]  oooh… oooww… perhaps I should haves started with one of them!

Billy:  Dom, why are you crying?  [thinking] Why should I even ask… he is always crying… poor guy…

Elijah:  [to Dom]  Perhaps the more important question is what are you doing?  [thinking] At least Billy resisted the urge to kiss me by biting his lip, but looks like Dom has lost control of himself and is about to plant a big wet one on me! 

Dom:  [struggles to see through the tears, thinking]  Who would have thought that one of my chin hairs would have so much manliness that it would effect my manly vision?  No worries though… [grabs a hair on Elijah’s face]

Elijah:  [still thinking] No… wait… I don’t think he is going to kiss me…  [Dom rips out a nose hair, Elijah grabs his face where he feels the pain, to Dom]  Dude… what did I ever do to you?

Dom:  No… wait… [moves hand to Elijah’s chin, rips out a chin hair]  There we go!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Dom:  [to Sharon Osborn, whose show he is on]  It’s right here!  Give me a harder one!  Com’on! 

Sharon:  How about your ear… where’s your ear? 

Dom:  [points to his ear]

Sharon:  Good job!  How about your nose?

Dom:  Piece of cake… it’s the big manly thing on the front of my face!  [points to his nose]  Do it again!  Do it again! 

Sharon:  Alright… where is your foot?

Dom:  [puts his hand on his stomach]  No… wait… that’s not right!  [holds out his arm]  Nope… uh… [smacks his thigh]  Wait, wait… I’ve, I’ve almost got it!  [stands up and walks around in circles with his eyes fixed on his butt] Is that right?

Sharon:  No, Dommie, babe… I’m sorry!  I guess I shouldn’t have given you such a hard one!  Though, I must say I absolutely love your shirt!  What a cute little kitten holding a great big pink heart! 

Dom:  [thinking]  That’s right!  Who needs to know where their foot it when you are as manly as me wearing a manly shirt?

Billy:  [grabs Elijah excitedly to give him a big hug, thinking] I think that we have officially made it through yet another manliness entry, and guess who is still on top… guess who is still considered the manliness moo moo featured on this blog!  It’s me, me, manly, Scottish, little old me! 

Elijah:  [thinking] First Orlando and now Billy?  I really do need to learn to contain my manliness around guys… but who am I kidding?  I can’t help drawing the people… people flock to my manliness like a moth to a flame!

Billy:  [thinking] Whoa… Orlando has a really good grip!  I’m starting to feel lightheaded… I can’t breathe… what is he doing?  Trying to kill me or something?  He can take my life, but he still can’t take my manliness! 

Orlando:  [to the looker] Please don’t get me wrong!  I really do like Billy Boyd… he’s a descent guy and quite manly!  Personally, I wish he had been in Pirates with me… that monkey wouldn’t have been so moody with all his Scottishness on the set day in and day out!   So why am I strangling him, you ask?  Elijah is paying me to do so!  I guess he thinks that if Billy is out of the picture, he will be named manliest!  I think that he is wrong!  But hey… whatever floats his boat, I guess!  At least I am making money off of the deal! 

Dom:  That’s right!  Give me my award for being the manliest manly man here!  [tries to pull the award away from the other three]

Elijah:  Oh no you don’t!  That’s mine!  Let go Dom!  I’m the winner and you’re the loser!

Dom:  You wish!  It’s supposed to be, “I’m the tall one and you’re the short one!”  And just in case you were wondering… tall = manly!  Therefore short = (fill in the blank)… it’s kinda like magma in that respect! 

Elijah:  LIAR!!!!  LIAR!!!!  If anyone = (fill in the blank) it is you with your shiny black suit and hair that is too long for your own good!  Wouldn’t you agree with me, Savvy1stMate?

Savvy1stMate:  [steps out from behind the curtain]

Dom:  [stammering] But… uh… oh no, no!  Not fair!  Uh… uh… I can explain… honest I can… just… just give me a chance!  Please!  Please don’t banish me!  Please don’t give Elijah the award due to lack of better competition!  I will change my ways!  I will… I promise!  I have learned my lesson! 

Elijah:  I still think I deserve it!  [thinking to himself] I had Billy Boyd taken out of the picture… I can have Dom Monaghan taken out too… no worries… none at all…